D’Alise Daily News – Volume MMIV, Issue XII

Following the massive success of my last post, I continue by posting my second effort to update friends and family of what was scheduled to transpire in late December 2004.  The interview format was “been there, done that”, and I figured a news update should look like a news update.  

The PDF version of the original is HERE, but I reproduced the words below.  Again, this is the text as written with the exception of one extra carriage return, and I left out the pictures. 

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D’Alise Daily News

Volume MMIV, Issue XII  —  (December 6, 2004)

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Flash!! – Colorado Faces Unknown Fate

So . . . It’s Going to Happen

Long-time Michigan residents Melisa and Emilio D’Alise have announced they are leaving the state before the end of the year.  Neither wanted to be quoted for this article, but this reporter was able to gleam some details of the upcoming ordeal.  Actually, all I had to do was ask; that Emilio character sure loves to talk! 

Rumor has it the couple discovered time marches on at a pretty good clip.  To their dismay, they learned it passes even faster when busily relaxing.  They woke up last week and realized it was almost December. Although we don’t have the exact quote, M&E looked at each other and said something like “Holy s**t!! It’s almost December!!”  One can only imagine their horror . . . 

Well, after a leisurely breakfast, some exercise, a bit of shopping, a quick lunch, some Internet surfing, a good evening meal, some TV, and a movie, they looked at each other – again – and said “It’s late.  Let’s go to sleep”.  But the next day they decided to begin the year 2005 in another state. 

This, of course, was nothing new.  I believe there are some people in remote areas of the Upper Peninsula who had not heard of their intent to move, but – after nearly a year of jaw flapping – most everyone else was aware of it, and considered it just a peculiarity of the couple.  

But I digress.  This time they were serious.  The very next day they gave notice of their intention to vacate the apartment by December 31st.  People at the complex were shocked and saddened.  Some cried.  Others just consoled themselves with some of the free cookies and coffee.  Most just looked and asked “Who the &@%$ are you?”, “You live here?”, and “Would you please let me through? . . . I need to use the bathroom.” 

Friends and family that first learned of the decision tried to muster some sort of interest, asking questions like “Where will you go?”, “Where will you stay?”, “What will you do?”, and the occasional “Can I hang up now? . . . got to use the bathroom.”.

These were tough questions with no easy answers.  Well, maybe that last one was an easy one.  But the D’Alises were in a pondering mood; mostly they pondered why so many people needed to use the bathroom . . . alas, pondering is tiring; the answers had to wait another day. 

M&E arose bright and early the next morning, and after a leisurely breakfast, some exercise, a bit of shopping, a quick lunch, some Internet surfing, a good evening meal, some TV, and a movie, they looked at each other and reportedly said, almost in unison, “I’m sleepy.  How about Colorado Springs?”  A few yawns, a quick check for new e-mail, a look at the weather and TV schedule for the next day, a late snack of cookies, some reading, another snack, and they were blissfully asleep.  And yet another moment passed into history.

       B. Ulshi Tspewer – Freelance Reporter

Consequences

As reported above, a monumental decision was reached just last week.  One that would have tremendous repercussions in the life of cat named Kitty.  Her owners – Melisa and Emilio D’Alise – decided to up and move 1350 miles to a place called Colorado Springs.  Kitty could not be reached for comments; she was sleeping.  Attempts to wake her resulted in severe lacerations of this reporter’s left hand and forearm. 

Prudence being the better part of valor, this reporter decided to speak with the owners.  I wanted to find out how they had come to such action.  What dark influence conspired to throw the life of this cat into upheaval and uncertainty?  What drove these otherwise boring and uninteresting people into making such a bold and daring change?  

Well folks, did I mention these were boring and uninteresting people? I’m paraphrasing here, but the answer was along the lines of “Well, we got to live somewhere.”   . . . what the . . .!?!?!  What kind of an answer is that?  Are they nuts?   Taking care to not make any sudden moves – in case they were nuts – I pressed them for additional information.  

It seems they used to own a business in the area.  This was ideal for Kitty, as it left her lots of time alone in a nice house.  But then, global economic pressures did their thing, and voila!, no more work.  No more work; no more business.  The D’Alises saw this as a sign.  However, not being superstitious, and having little or no inclination toward mystical congruences, they basically ignored it.  They did, however, take the opportunity to do nothing for a while. 

Turns out, when you don’t do anything for a while, you read a lot.  And you surf the net – a lot.  All this reading and surfing exposed M&E to the idea of living in a milder climate, away from the auto industry.  Maybe not even a milder climate.  Maybe just away from the auto industry.

And that folks, is the little known tragedy of outsourcing.  It seems like economic good sense.  It may provide cheaper goods.  It may even allow the Big Three’s auto executives to get wealthy before the Japanese take all their market share away.  But at what cost? 

I will tell you.  A little cat – with very sharp nails – sits forlorn.  She is contemplating having to be in close proximity with her owners for extended periods of time; to endure human contact without being the one initiating it.  To be placed into a comfortable container while traveling cross-country in a nice SUV . . . I . . . I can’t go on. 

     Nin El Ives – Animal Planet Reporter 

Colorado Springs – A Closer Look

So, why Colorado Springs? Well, this reporter did some digging and found out some surprising answers.  Turns out that Colorado Springs is where the U. S. Racquetball Association is headquartered.  This little known fact played absolutely no part in the Melisa & Emilio decision-making process.  But, for those who wanted to know where the USRA is located, here you go; it’s in Colorado Springs. 

But other factors did figure into the decision-making process.  To varying degrees they were cost of living (taxes, housing, insurance, etc.), climate (somewhat milder), geographical location (close to mountains, closer to National Parks), crime statistics, economic growth potential, educational opportunities, and the lack of an automotive-based economy.  That last one was not a major factor. Rather, it was more like an observation. 

But then, it got more complicated.  Colorado Springs is a fast-growing community.  In fact, there are more people living in Colorado Springs than all of Wyoming.  This alone made Wyoming very attractive to Emilio, the older and less wise half of the D’Alise team.  “How about Cheyenne?” he chimed.  His propensity for spur-of-the-moment, poorly-thought-out-ideas notwithstanding, this was not without merit.  Cheyenne is the capital of Wyoming (some say it’s actually “W”, but they are missing the point), and it’s only one and a half hours from downtown Denver.  Basically, the convenience of modern facilities nearby, coupled with slower paced, and lower cost, living.  

The D’Alises had driven through the outskirts of Cheyenne while on their way to Bozeman . . . hey! . . . what happened to Bozeman?  Rumor had it that was going to be the next D’Alise residence.  What did happened?  What caused the once beloved idea of Montana-living to be cast down in the dust of history’s forgotten trails?  Who cares, we’re talking about Cheyenne now.  

Anyway, they had driven by Cheyenne, but had not stopped to look at anything.  The D’Alise team was stumped.  How can you make a decision about a place if you don’t know what it looks like.  As they pondered this unexpected wild card being thrown into the fray, their eyes wandered over the Colorado map.  Ft. Collins looked nice as well.  It’s closer to Denver, and right next to the Rocky Mountains National Park.  Loveland was just west of there.  Both those cities had been written up in various magazines as nice places to live. 

Well dear readers, if you are feeling lost, unfocused, and unable to get a grasp of the situation, don’t feel alone.  The fact was that any of those areas had the potential for being a destination for the restless M&E.  What were they to do?  

Then it happened!  It hit them like a thunderbolt.  The answer was so simple!  It had been in front of them the whole time.  The very obviousness had made them blind to it.  The sheer logical simplicity had been too crystal clear for their overworked minds to grasp.  The answer was as clear as if it had been carved out of the pure ice of some Alaskan glacier.  

Ah, Alaska.  That is a nice place.  Scenery is just lying about all over the place; dramatic valleys, mountains, and coastlines.  One could get lost up there.  Lost in the beauty of the place, lost in the pureness of the air, lost in the comforting silence, awed by the sheer ruggedness of the a land carved by forgotten glaciers. 

What? Oh, yeah; the simple answer.  It had been in front of . . . wait, I already said that. Let me see . . . obviousness . . .hmmm . . . logical . . . ice . . . here it is.  It was clear they were going to rent while looking for a place to live.  Well, duh!! . . .  they may as well do it over there.  Sounds simple once you say it out loud.  “Rent where you are looking, not 1300 miles away”.  Hmmm . . . yes, yes, it could work.  It will work!  

So Colorado Springs it was.  Not as a permanent residence yet, but as a base of operation for exploring the area.  Who knows, maybe a month in Colorado Springs, a month in Loveland, and so on.  Take some day trips around the area, look at facilities, look at real estate, and get a feel for the various places.   It’s a little bit like buying a motor home, and tooling around looking for a place to settle.  Only you substitute furnished apartments for the motor home – less maintenance that way. 

So what did happen to Bozeman?  Well that, dear readers, is a story for another day.

T. Ells Tory – Field Reporter

Sneaky Bastages . . . 

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source within the D’Alise family revealed some late-breaking news about their plans to move out West.  It appears there is a push for an early exodus from the area.  While sources had earlier quoted the end of December, it has been revealed the timetable has been accelerated.  

With little thought to leisure, food, and sleep, the D’Alises are getting ready to evacuate the area a early as 10 days before the end of the month.  Well, ok . . . there is some food, and they do sleep 8-9 hours a night.  But a tentative daily schedule was leaked by our source, and it shows drastic reductions in leisure over the next three weeks or so. 

The new schedule includes the following:  No more than 1-2 hours of exercise a day.  No more than 4-5 hours of combined TV/Rental-Movies watching per day, with an additional 2 hours during weekends.  No more than 4 hours of Internet surfing during the day, and 2 hours during the late evening.  

Oh, the humanity of it all!!  This is prime TV and movie season!  What drives these people to push themselves so?  What demons haunt the recesses of their tortured minds?  We may never know.  Luckily, no one cares all that much.

   T. H. Ebigs Coop – Investigative Reporter

Bozeman – Second is a Lonely Place

Once the first choice for the D’Alise family, Bozeman now rests forgotten and unmentioned as a mere alternative.  What precipitated such drastic change?  How did the once darling of the D’Alise Relocation Movement fall to the depths of second place? 

For a long while, a couple of days to be exact, it was feared that the story of this picturesque city’s fall from grace would be lost to the annals of history.  Then this reporter stumbled onto some notes left behind by the very people who discarded the idea of moving to Bozeman.  Join me now, as we explore the workings of a decision-making process that turned the tides of fortune for this small Montana community.  

The story goes back to late October, when the D’Alises – accompanied by their trusty sidekick, Pops – headed out for the land of big skies, pure snow, and fresh mountain air.  Montana was like they remembered: really nice.  But after a few days, a glaring flaw stood out, overwhelming the beauty, peacefulness, and charm of the place.  Not enough shopping!  

Oh sure, you could buy stuff, but no comparison to what the D’Alises were used to.  Fearing the adjustment would be too great for them, they opted to move to an intermediate area.  Montana would have to wait a few years . . . hello Colorado Springs!

   Enoughf Ornow – Human Interest

©COPYRIGHT 2004   D’Alise Press

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Yes, I am weird . . . that went out to friends and family, and was happily ignored by both.  The important thing was we we leaving friends and familiar surroundings.  We were leaving a place we had lived in for half our lives.  

Detroit breathed a collective sigh of relief which, coincidentally complimented the collective gasp heard from Colorado Springs.

Again, the amateurish play with names can be excused by . . . no; it’s stupid, silly, and silly stupid, but I still like them.  Besides, I have always hated coming up with names for characters.  This was a respite for me.

As usual, thanks for visiting, and for reading my stuff.

. . . and my FP ward  . . . chieken shit.

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Note: to those who may click on “like”, or rate the post; if you do not personally hear from me, know that I am sincerely appreciative, and I thank you for noticing what I do.  

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About disperser

Odd guy with odd views living an odd life during odd times.
This entry was posted in Humor, Opinions and Stuff, Writing Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to D’Alise Daily News – Volume MMIV, Issue XII

  1. Pingback: By the road, by the sea, rainbow and fireworks | Disperser Tracks

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